I am just over here trying to live my best life ever, and it’s like I can’t be my best-self when I am flooded in a sea of Felici (I imagine that’s the plural form of Felicia). Let me go on record by saying: “Males get their period too.” I swear! Once a month, my cycle conjoins with my best friend, and I too turn from my sweet, charming self, into an evil cunt! I may be “on one” but I also feel like people are testing me. Instead of committing a felony, I need to vent:
#1. Making your own hashtags. It’s so sad and pathetic. Ironically the creator(s) of these ridiculous hashtags are the only who are hash- tagging it! It’s just so desperate! Hashtags are meant for people with no friends to find purpose and community in their Sci-Fi lonely lives. Hashtags are NOT for promoting peoples’ lame bachelorette parties that nobody wants to partake in; in the first place.
#2. While we are on the topic of holidays… Your birthday is ONE day a year. Not a weekend. Not a week. And for fuck-sake not a whole month. It seems the more basic you are, the more birthdays you try to accrue each year. Delusional, you don’t even have any friends… I am an acquaintance, and yet I feel obligated to show up. Look, I get it, you are poor, and your birthday is an opportunity to eat and drink for free, but trust… pull this shit again and I will forget my wallet at home next year. So we can drink 1842, and eat lobster and it’s on you! Happy birthday!
#3. Don’t IG the moon, the stars, the eclipse, the sunset etc. You all act like you are the only ones’ with eyes that see it! We all have eyes. We can all see it. Whenever there is a full moon all these people bleed the feed with basic shit; and my beautiful posts get flooded amongst their trash! Maybe we should do more “liking” and less “posting”. My IG thanks you in advance.
#4. Knock it off! A previous company I worked for has been blatantly knocking off designer items. It’s repulsive and yet laughable [cause it’s so bad]; from Gucci to Acne to Levi’s. I find it odd that someone with the creativity of a sponge would want to start a clothing line. I work hard to be able to purchase [real] designer items. I would suggest you to work hard to be basic in a different career path. I wish I could put the “brand” but I also wouldn’t want to mention something so irrelevant.
#5. Ladies, if you are going to watch Youtube videos to emulate a Kylie cake-face… wax your beards. Nothing is more cringe-worthy than seeing a pile of MAC slopped on a mustache. Priorities people! Wax first, bake later!
#6. Guys, there is a thing called a neckline. Unlike Anderson Cooper, this should be a straight bottom. Shave your necks! Your hairline shouldn’t touch your crew-neck!
#7. Don’t call me: “man”, “bro”, “dude”, or “bud”…Actually don’t talk to me at all, bro.
#8. Unless your house is on fire, DO NOT CALL ME. And if you are in a burning house, you should probably call 9-1-1 instead of me, so actually there is NO reason to call me. I find it so invasive!
#9. If you text me, compose your thoughts and put it in ONE text message. [BLOOP] “hi” [BLOOP] “what are you doing?” [BLOOP] “how was last night? [BLOOP] “are you working tomorrow?” —Is a direct target for me to block you (no matter how close we are). I should never see anything higher than a (1) behind your name in my lock screen notifications!
#10. While driving, if I let you “in” and you don’t wave to thank me, I will rear-end you….and if you have a “baby on board” sticker, I will gas it! My life is more precious than your baby.
Thanks for listening. Can we all actively try to make the world a better place and be seen and not heard; and avoid me at all costs. Thank you!