Things I will NEVER be able to do again (because I’m SO old)

Hell hath no fury like a father scorned.

Dressing from day to night is so predictable.

Is now a good time to ask if America is great again?

“What have you been up to?”

Grow a pair or shut the fuck up.

I’m not a huge fan of PDA, but I got fucked at Gitano NYC...

Let me tell you a secret: your face is ugly, and a mask covers half of it.

I’ll add it to “the list”

Anyone else feel like we are on some sort of weird reality show?

I've taken it upon myself to voluntarily give the class of 2020 commencement speech!