Most people my age are finished having kids; Meanwhile, I am over here too irresponsible to own a dog...
My best kept secrets until now...
...Not to be mistaken for Snoop Dogg's song "Sexual Seduction."
Do you have to be a douche bag to be a personal trainer? Or is that just an added bonus
Don't come for me, 'less I send for you.
I often wonder if I was Hitler in my past life, and that's why I am cursed with such horrible luck.
But maybe a bitch should try.
Lose 3 days in 1 week!
...My friends will probably say it's Photoshop too.
"Some people die at 25, and aren't buried until they are 85."
Instead of committing a felony, I need to vent:
With Tom’s birthday approaching (finally 21) I thought it would be fun to sit down at my Penthouse Suite at 11 Howard Hotel and play some games for the blog!
I have come to the conclusion that living in Los Angeles has cheated me out of so much life.
Thank God Labor Day is over, fall is approaching, and everyone in LA is going to have to put on some clothes and find a personality.
As much as I love NYC, I can’t help but feel I am going to be the victim of Final Destination!
I would rather go to Afghanistan than go #2 [in public].
We are moving on to the A.P. life skill of "Elevator Etiquette". Rule #1, don't be fucking weird.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned (again / still).
This bitch couldn't prescribe me Xanex, so I am currently looking at getting her practice shut down.
Everyone makes fun of my Mary Poppins bag; until they had a rough day, and need a shot of vodka
I love rock and roll, but I think I like Totino's Pizza Rolls more.
I'd rather you bring a bomb on the plane, than to sit next to me with "home-made" food.
I am jealous of myself... I wish my life was as good as it appearson Instagram.
I think the biggest misconception of me, is that I am a know-it-all. As Bethenny Frankle would say, "Maybe I actually know-it-all!"
"RED!" is the safe word in Fifty Shades of Grey... I wish it was socially acceptable for me to scream "RED" in my day-to-day life
If everyone threw their dirty laundry in the middle of the room, how many of us would grab our own.
I went out in Hollywood last night. I had no idea body-con dresses were still a thing?
Honestly in LA, does anyone work? I mean, besides me?
Life is tough; wear a helmet. When I can't find a helmet to match my outfit outfit, I say "fuck it" and wear a whole floral [matching] look.
"You just think lovely wonderful thoughts," Peter explained, "and they lift you up in the air."