It was like Jesus Christ himself shining down appointing me "The Chosen One"...

Think Tyra Banks in her 2000 film debut in “Life-Size.”

I truly understand the mindset of Jon Benet Ramsey's parents.

A good shuckin' time!! 

I don't know if it's me, the smog, or lack of gluten, but I am so excited to get the fuck out of town

I am gonna answer some of your questions.  Here we go!!

Most people have Sunday Fundays

I don't know what is more embarrassing, that I was on Myspace, or that I googled myself and it lead me there. 

Anyone can be a daddy, but it takes a special someone to be a D.I.L.F.  

Naturally, I drink as much as I can, as fast as I can!

 Back by popular demand, it's time for another poem.

I am going to attempt to talk about gender equality for a minute...Hopefully with as little backlash as possible

After my hangover from Memorial Day wore off, I joined hot yoga.

If you haven't seen my Instagram story, I have applied for CBS Survivor!  This obviously means I will be cast... and obviously means I will win... So I basically won a million dollars! 

If you have "Live, Laugh, Love" on a slab of faux aged wood, in your living room... Quit reading this post and disburse of it immediately .

Now I am stuck with a conundrum...do I wipe the seat with 1-ply toilet paper?!

 I am going to unplug and enjoy family time!  So enjoy our trip in pictures, and enjoy my silence.

All day I dream about sleep. 

With Kanye's latest stunts...I think he trumped all the Kardashian’s krazy antics. Pun intended.

...Doesn't mean you can't do great things.  It's called garbage can, not garbage can't.

Wear sunscreen.  -Forgo college.  -And Listen to your elders; as a 30-something year old, let me paint a little picture into your future:

If you are going to make plans, show up… nobody likes dandruff, and I hate flakes. 

I wonder if life smokes after it fucks me?

Should I kill the mocking bird, or not?  ...I too feel a similar conundrum

...And I couldn't be more annoyed.  Everything and everyone is annoying the shit out of me. 

Nothing says "thirst" quite like a blogger getting their picture taken.

"My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose." -Clueless

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time.

Yesterday was the first day of spring.  Which means I am officially a season behind in my goal to have a summer body.

DO I: be a bitch, be informative, be basic, or be relatable?