Tough Crowd

I can pick myself apart from top to bottom. Every insecurity, every flaw, every angle I don't like. I can look at myself and immediately tell you what I think is wrong.

But it goes well beyond how I look. I am painfully aware of all my shortcomings. I know the parts of myself that can be difficult. My tongue can be too harsh for my own good. My temper can be a lot. And my patience is basically non-existent.

To put it lightly, the war in my head is constant. I hold myself to a ridiculous standard, and when I don't meet it, which is very often... that temper turns inward. And it is not pretty.

I think that is why I am so protective of myself from outward criticism. He, meaning me, is already getting beaten daily in my own mind, and any outside noise can feel like a pile-on. And honestly, I start to feel bad for him.

It's almost like this: you can think your car is shit. You can make fun of your car for being shit. But when someone else says your car is shit, suddenly we have a problem.

Because I got there first.

So when a random stranger, family member, or even a friend says something that echoes what I am already thinking, it doesn't feel like some new observation. It feels malicious. It feels like a lashing on someone who is already getting one. And somehow, I end up feeling sad for myself.

Which is funny, because I am both the victim and the offender in this situation. LOL.

That's what has started to make social media feel so toxic to me. Not criticism. Not people disagreeing with me. It's this weird expectation that I have to talk shit about myself first to prove I'm in on the joke.

Like I need to make fun of myself enough to establish that I am self-aware, and therefore not one of those actually delusional influencers who have no idea how cringe they come off.

Believe me, if you think something I do is cringe, tasteless, trash, embarrassing, whatever... I have probably already thought about it a million times.

And the irony is, I would still do all of this if I had a million followers or if the only account following me was Sophie's.

Because I like the creative process.

I like having a record of things. What I was wearing. What I am feeling. Where I was. What I was interested in. What I thought was funny. What life looked like for me at a particular moment.

For myself.

A digital footprint created by me, instead of a narrative about me.

I was a model for a very long time. I was constantly in someone else's vision, a piece in someone else's creative, and I loved it. But there is something different about creating something that came entirely from my own head.

After spending my entire life being so fucking critical of myself, I know I have a creative voice that is mine. There are things I see that other people don't. Ideas I have. A point of view. A taste level that is distinctly mine.

And when something I create actually looks the way I imagined it, it makes me really fucking happy.

That is the part I want to protect.

Not my ego. Not some idea that nobody can criticize me. I know I'm not above criticism.

But I also don't think I should have to constantly prove that I am self-aware enough to be allowed to exist publicly.

And yes, I get defensive. Especially when a lot of the hate seems to come from people who look like they were cast directly out of The Goonies.

It's always the bottom dwellers.

The person who looks like they are on the fast track to diabetes is suddenly a GLP-1 expert and commenting on my weight. The woman aging like rotten milk is deeply concerned about how much work someone else has had done to their face, is commenting on my looks.

The hypocrisy is almost impressive.

Whatever.

I am not trying to be relatable. As hard as I am on myself, I also look at the generic public and realize how much I don't have in common with them. And honestly, as far as I'm concerned, that's a win.

And yes, I am heavily medicated. Thank you for your unsolicited concern.