Things Nobody Tells You About Living in Los Angeles
I am coming up on my X amount of years living in LA. The number is high, but slightly complicated because I disappeared to New York for a chunk of time in there. Still, I've been here for more than half my life, so at this point I am basically native. Or at least native enough to have opinions.
Here are my CliffsNotes on LA, aka the things you probably won't find on Tripadvisor.
1. People get a bad rap. People from LA aren't shitty. It's all the people who thought they were too good for their hometown who moved here that make the city shitty. -I would know, I am one of those people. I had dreams of making it big, and on some accounts, I guess I have, when I think of all the things I've been fortunate enough to accomplish here. But unlike most, I left my ego in Minnesota.
Un-ironically, the shittiest people I've met have all complained about the shitty people in LA. -The call is coming from inside the house. LOL.
2. Runyon Canyon is trash. It's where all the above shitty people go thinking they are going to get scouted on the mountain. Actors being theatrical, models strutting up the hill... it's cringe on a good day. But it is a vibe, so I like to go super early where I can get some steps, release some of Sophie's energy, and take in the view... also un-ironically typically on trash day or street sweeping so parking is a bitch for the garbage of LA it really weeds out the trash metaphorically and physically. LOL
3. I hate to tell you, but the hype is not worth the hype. You will not find me caught dead waiting in a Community Goods line. I will participate in the act of being basic if I drive by and there isn't a line, but I am too old to be standing in the LA heat, brushing shoulders with the pedestrian public, being B-roll in some influencer's video content.
Also, the Erewhon smoothies aren't that good. Not going to lie, they are very comparable to Orange Julius. But after I saw the caloric metrics on Orange Julius, I realized it wasn't worth it. -And I think Erewhon is about five locations short of having to, by law, show nutrition contents, and there are going to be some real sad [basic] girls knowing those cutesy little Hailey Bieber drinks are probably 800 calories and they are going to have to amp up those "hot girl walks" to burn those puppies off.
4. LA is kinda dead. In the early 2000s, nightlife was really a thing. Every night had a club that had a designated night, and the city felt much more alive. IYKYK: Mondays: Area, Tuesdays: Hyde, Wednesdays: Les Deux, Thursdays: Goa, Fridays: Teddy's or Chateau)
Kitson always had events. People actually went out shopping instead of ordering online, guilty, and there were always new restaurants opening that you had to go to for the vibes instead of ordering on Uber Eats.
Maybe all that still happens and I am just geriatric and don't find joy in any of that anymore... but there was a cool LA energy that, much like my physical body, has shriveled up like a raison and died.
5. Driving is as bad as everyone says, but only if you are an idiot. Living here long enough, you learn the flow of traffic. Where to go at what time in the day. What areas don't have a turn lane that holds up traffic. And where to avoid at all costs... spoiler alert: LAX.
Once you figure this out, it is really not so bad.
6. Things that are eternally cool and you should never pass up an invitation:
Chateau Marmont
Hollywood Bowl
Sunset Tower
7. Things to avoid (may sound like a silly fun time but are in-fact torture exercises):
Venice Boardwalk
Walk of Fame
The Grove
8. In-N-Out has a very simple menu. We live in a digital age. Know your order ahead of time.
There is always a line, and every time I go in there, the person in front of me has neglected to look at the giant menu overhead and holds up the line apparently illiterate. Immediate jail. There are literally 6 options... pick any one... they will all be magical, just hurry up. Fun fact (for everyone except the people in line in-front of me...) they have some really great secret menu options. But use the computer, figure it out yourself, I am doing enough leg work over here.
9. Celebrities are just like us. It is obviously fun, and I still get starstruck from time to time, but they are still people just like us. If you can't collect yourself... that is most definitely a sign not to engage. Do you want your favorite movie star seeing you look like a feral rat? -Embarrassing. No. And honestly do you really want photographic evidence of your ugly ass standing directly next to an actual heart throb? -Probably not. But whatever you do, crazy, do not interupt them having a meal because you are an unhinged thirst mongrel that wants to brag to their 12 friends on Facebook. -Then you will really piss off your fav celebrity.
10. You eventually become a neighborhood person.
When I first moved to here, I wanted to go everywhere. West Hollywood! Silver Lake! Venice! Malibu! Downtown! Los Feliz! Wherever the fuck the cool people were going, I wanted to go… and went!
Then one day you realize you have not willingly crossed the 405 in three years. -And you don't care where the cool people are, You want to go where there are NO people.
You have your coffee place. Your grocery store. Your dog park. Your restaurants. Your gas station. Your preferred Target. -And if I am anywhere near the freeway I am basically blocking out the day on calendar for a day trip. -And honestly, that's when you know LA has officially gotten you: when you're paying the California premium to live here while barely taking advantage of any of the desirable perks.
Oh, one last thing. If we haven't consistently spoken in the past few years, DO NOT reach out because you're coming to LA and expect me to become your personal tour guide. I am not the concierge. There are actual tour guides you can book who will happily spend eight hours showing you around while I remain blissfully uninvolved.
I love to hate on LA. And honestly, it makes it pretty easy. But for all the traffic, the parking, and the general insanity, I really do love it here.
SPEAKING OF…
Here’s a little peek at something I’ve been helping with: the soft launch of RÜHL, a collection of fragrances that feels like a love letter to California.
It’s nostalgia, bottled. The places, the people, the nights, the memories you can’t quite explain but somehow recognize the second you smell them.
The scents will be rolling out over time, but the first one, and honestly my favorite, is: CHATEAU.
Yes, I have favorites. This is also why I can’t get another dog. Sophie would obviously be my favorite and I refuse to create that kind of family drama.
CHATEAU smells like getting ready for a night out. Familiar, but not quite. Like picking your leather jacket up off the floor the morning after and catching a little of the night before still lingering on it. Not clean, but not dirty. Sexy, without trying to be sektual. The kind of scent that doesn’t announce itself. It just gets remembered.
It’s difficult to explain, which is probably the point. Some things can’t be described. They have to be experienced. Available here… Website coming soon!
