Fat, Poor & Nearly Dead

Do you have to be a douche bag to be a personal trainer?  Or is that just an added bonus ... -Like being over-qualified for a job and having a college degree?  There are so many juxtapositions in the world!  Lets start from the beginning... Obviously I am doing something wrong at the gym.  I workout 5 days a week and yet I still have the body of Sponge Bob Square Pants.  My stomach is a bottomless pit.  I love Panda Express, and a super-sized combo, but I can't seem to stomach those veiny, grunting, chest bumping invalids a.k.a. "personal trainers"!  I am convinced they all have a touch of the downs (to only be able to count to 15... 3 times... and call it a rep?  Honestly, can't they just count to 45?)  -And why are they all so greasy... I feel like I would definitely catch an STD simply getting spotted by them, and I am too old to catch a disease this late in life.  I will just have to embrace my muffin top! 
Moving on, lets talk about JOBS.  It's funny to me how people ask for a "home address" on a job application that pays $17 dollars an hour.  Bitch, if I'm making $17/hour, my "home address" is going to be "the back alley, next to the dumpster, on the right".  I'll be homeless!  Who can afford to live on that?  I can't even buy a bottle of vodka for $17!  Honestly, I don't think I was ever meant to be part of the working class.  My skills and talents are endless, but I find it extremely archaic that I have to put my blood, sweat, and tears into a job simply for a paycheck.  Isn't that the same as slavery?  Just call me Okuntakinte over here, because these bills ain't paying themselves.  Luckily, I didn't go to college because I would never be able to pay for those student loans, but my resume says I did.  On paper, I graduated from USC... summa cum laude.  I mean, I used to go to parties at USC [back in the day] so it's basically the same thing, right?  I knew my alcoholism would come in handy!  CHEERS!