The Dr. Is In...

I am obviously the voice of reason, unfortunately my friends have caught on... and now I am dishing out advice [left and right] for these Felicia's and their white girl problems. 

How do I get a guy to like me?                                                                                                    

-Stay far enough away from him, and don't open your mouth.

I want a good job, what should I do?                                                                                              

-You have no qualifications, you are terrible at time management, and you are too self involved to benefit any company.  Try the Post Office or DMV. 

What should I wear?  Nothing looks good on me.                                                                        

-Lets not blame the clothes for this problem, maybe it's your body that is the problem here.  I think a good look for you would be diet and exercise.

I want to move, where can I find a place?                                                                            

-Considering you don't have an income coming in, I think finding a place will be difficult, and I know if for some miracle, you exchange sexual favors for an apartment, I will inevitable have to help you move; so stay put.  That living room couch is a great living space!

What should I use on my skin?  I keep breaking out.                                                                    

-Your diet consists of alcohol and fast food, I would be more concerned with that muffin top than that pore-ous, leather skin.  So just keep cat-fish online dating with those unrecognizable FaceTuned filters!

Let's go shopping, can you style me?                                                                                                  

-I don't work for free, but you can hire me and pay my day rate... since that is my job.  I think our friendship would also be more beneficial if you pay me to go out for dinner and drinks also... Just sayin.  

I keep dating and nothing ever sticks, whats wrong with these guys?                                         

-Again I think you should look inward.  I am sure these men have a great head on their shoulders, and can smell your charity case from a mile away.  Is a softball player lesbian out of the question?  ...I may be able to set something up. 

How do you have so many followers on Instagram?  Nobody follows me.                                   

-You are following me, right?  Then why question the 31,789 other people following me.  Sorry I'm fun.  I don't think anyone wants to see your pasta plates... or thirst.

Are you mad at me?                                                                                                                        

-Not at all.  I am have not answered your texts, calls, e-mails, Instagrams, messengers, Skypes, Kiks, or WhatsApps because I enjoy how low maintence our relationship is.

Feel free to send your questions over and I will be more than happy to answer (eye roll)

-Dr. Sektual PhD