I am obviously the voice of reason, unfortunately my friends have caught on... and now I am dishing out advice [left and right] for these Felicia's and their white girl problems.
How do I get a guy to like me?
-Stay far enough away from him, and don't open your mouth.
I want a good job, what should I do?
-You have no qualifications, you are terrible at time management, and you are too self involved to benefit any company. Try the Post Office or DMV.
What should I wear? Nothing looks good on me.
-Lets not blame the clothes for this problem, maybe it's your body that is the problem here. I think a good look for you would be diet and exercise.
I want to move, where can I find a place?
-Considering you don't have an income coming in, I think finding a place will be difficult, and I know if for some miracle, you exchange sexual favors for an apartment, I will inevitable have to help you move; so stay put. That living room couch is a great living space!
What should I use on my skin? I keep breaking out.
-Your diet consists of alcohol and fast food, I would be more concerned with that muffin top than that pore-ous, leather skin. So just keep cat-fish online dating with those unrecognizable FaceTuned filters!
Let's go shopping, can you style me?
-I don't work for free, but you can hire me and pay my day rate... since that is my job. I think our friendship would also be more beneficial if you pay me to go out for dinner and drinks also... Just sayin.
I keep dating and nothing ever sticks, whats wrong with these guys?
-Again I think you should look inward. I am sure these men have a great head on their shoulders, and can smell your charity case from a mile away. Is a softball player lesbian out of the question? ...I may be able to set something up.
How do you have so many followers on Instagram? Nobody follows me.
-You are following me, right? Then why question the 31,789 other people following me. Sorry I'm fun. I don't think anyone wants to see your pasta plates... or thirst.
Are you mad at me?
-Not at all. I am have not answered your texts, calls, e-mails, Instagrams, messengers, Skypes, Kiks, or WhatsApps because I enjoy how low maintence our relationship is.
Feel free to send your questions over and I will be more than happy to answer (eye roll)
-Dr. Sektual PhD