I'm With Stupid

Just don't do these things.  If you have said or done any of these things, please stop.  It's annoying and that inevitably means you are probably pretty annoying too.

1. When people see me with my Polaroid camera and ask me to take a photo of them.  Yea bitch, and buy me film.  That shit ain't cheap... and don't immediately tell me "don't shake it"  Everyone in the North America knows this, besides Outkast (R.I.P.) I know you are probably googling to see if Outkast is dead, no.  -But their career is.

2. Don't tell me not to worry.  Oh, OK Karen, saying that really helped me relax.  Now I’m all better.

3. You'd be surprised how often the fact that I don't like Beyonce comes up in conversation. "How could you not like Beyonce?!"  I think she's bitchy and basic.  There I said it.  In high school if I treated anyone like she treated Michelle, I'd be a bully.  When Beyonce does it, it's Destiny's Child.  And does she even have a great voice and body?  -I don’t see the hype!

4. The people at Panda Express always ask if I want soy sauce.  Of course I fucking want soy sauce. 

5. Don't ask stupid questions.  Do you have a bathroom?  Can I get the check?  Do you want another drink?  1. I live in a studio apartment.  I have 4 walls and you can see my shitter from the couch.  It's not a piece of modern art.  It's a toilet.  2. The waiter wants his tip and for you to get out of his section.  Of course you will get a check!  3. Yes.  I always want another drink.  That's why my card is on file you invalid.  -And less talking and more pouring.

6. Never comment on what I am eating.  When you tell me, "Do you know how bad that is for you..."  -Yes. Yes I do. Thank you for your concern and kindly bend over and I'll show you where you can stick it.

7. "Did you get my text?"  I did, and I actively chose not to respond.  To clear up any further confusion I went ahead and blocked your number.   

8. Strangers always ask "How are you single?"  I am extremely selfish, have high standards, and I am bat-shit crazy.  Thats why.  The real question is how did you find someone to date you 🤷🏼‍♂️ Please don't procreate.

9. Don't ever ask if I have a minute to chat.  I actually don't. Most days I don't have enough time to go to the bathroom let alone to take time out of my [busy] day to hear you air your grievances with me. I’ll make it easy for you, I am perfect.

10. I hate when homeless people ask if I have spare change.  I only have large bills and hate coins.