Tell My Why?

Why do they make large peanut butter jars when you can’t get to the bottom? Getting peanut butter on your hand is like shit, no matter how many washes you still feel and smell it. Can someone make peanut butter in a bowl so I can safely savor the entire contents?

Why do we find it professional to say “as per my last email” when what we are really saying is “learn how to read [you invalid], I already told you”? Also emails closing with “Best,” what is that? I’m not wishing you the best, and this is obviously not my best self... so what are we even saying here?

Why is alcohol the only thing that makes me feel happy and carefree, yet the next day make me so depressed? -I get it —it’s a depressant, but like can’t we figure that out... scientifically?

Why do I choose to live in LA when the people here are so fucking crazy? I’m convinced everyone’s been out in the sun 7 years too long and on a self prescribed pill cocktail, that isn’t working for anyone.

How is everyone able to go on vacation 8 months a year? My Instagram feed is flooded with people traveling on these opulent trips [all year round]. ‘Like where do you work where you can take time off and be able to afford these luxurious ventures? A vacation for me is not getting work emails on a weekend.

Why haven’t I got picked for Survivor [yet]? I wanna lose 10 lbs and win a million dollars so I can not work like everyone else in Los Angeles.

Why is there nowhere to get pizza and fries? When I am bad, I am real bad and I crave pizza AND fries. There is nowhere to get both! Burger King has tacos now, Dominos I hope you are listening! Also why do all the best fast food places have the worst fountain drinks i.e. Taco Bell & Panda Express have Pepsi products. It’s downright offensive to ask me if I want a drink and it’s a Diet Pepsi- I have some some standards.

Why does my dog have better health insurance than me? She can break her arm and it costs $6,000, I pay $250. If I were to break my arm I’d be fucked. Thanks America!

Why am I single? Never mind. The issue is simply that their ceiling, is my floor. Get on my level.