Hopefully you learned something from my last class "Airplane Etiquette 101" if you haven't read yet, catch up here. We are moving on to the AP (Advanced Placement) life skill of "Elevator Etiquette". Rule #1, don't be fucking weird. Side note: I have to take an elevator to the gym [from the parking structure]. Last week this peasant was literally looking over my shoulder reading my text messages... DON'T DO THAT! Rule #2... I need to prefix: At said gym, there are 3 elevators, but because the gym complex is run by a bunch of buffoons, only one of elevators runs each day (You can't begin to know how my blood boils waiting for an elevator, well knowing 2 perfectly-working elevators are shut down daily for no reason!) ...Moving on ...So this morning, I was waiting for the elevator, and this meathead [who had finished his workout] was in such a steroid-haze, he got off at the wrong parking structure floor (and therefor had to go down)... I had to go up [to go to the gym], but since he was there first, the elevator was on it's way down... and the giant "down-arrow" light popped up, and the door opened.
Meathead: "This is going down"
Me: [points at the giant lit-up "down" arrow] "Sure is"
Meathead: "You have to go up"
Me: [pretends to be deaf]
Meathead: [More aggressively] "YOU HAVE TO GO UP!"
Me: "I am pretty sure that once this goes down, it'll probably go back up again [rolls eyes]."
I don't know what is more upsetting, his poor shrinking ball-sack from the steroid abuse, or the fact that I just lost 28 seconds of my life dealing with this complete invalid. Which takes us to Rule #3, silence is OK! There are so many people in this world, there is no reason to try and communicate with all of them...so shut the fuck up. I don't know you, you don't know me, there is no reason for us to exchange words, its bad enough we are sharing the same stagnate airDon't comment on something I'm wearing, don't ask where I am doing, be seen and not heard. Rule #4, this is stepping on Rule #3's coattails, but don't whistle! I don't know if it's out of nervousness, or a weird form of autism, but you aren't Snow White, so there is no need to whistle. It's just weird
I know I am going to receive a bunch of heated e-mails saying "Why don't you just take the stairs? You are going to the gym to workout and yet you are too lazy to take the stairs?" Dear Haters, I would love to take the stairs, however, the obscure location of the stairwell has (allegedly) turned it into an underground-Craigslist-hook-up destination. Needless to say, I'd rather hear some annoying blockhead whistling "Despacito" than being a non-consensual victim in a 3-some situation. I fucking hate Hollywood. I'm going to go to NY.
To sum up today's lesson, don't make eye contact, don't speak, and don't bother me. If you are unsure of your action just think... "What would Kanye do?" Get your own Yeezus shirt (and other amazing finds) from my buds here!