I hate Thanksgiving.  All these fat Americans eating their body weight in complex carbohydrates

I was in the elevator when this fugly toddler went ahead and pressed all the elevator numbers...

I will be answering all your burning questions...

I actively choose not to have kids, so I don't want to hear your little asshole crying, screaming, or running amok when I am at dinner.

I will personally buy you a Spirit airline one-way ticket back to bum-fuck Egypt; where you belong.

When you come to LA there are a few things you should never do...

Most people my age are finished having kids; Meanwhile, I am over here too irresponsible to own a dog...

My best kept secrets until now...

...Not to be mistaken for Snoop Dogg's song "Sexual Seduction."

Don't come for me, 'less I send for you.

I often wonder if I was Hitler in my past life, and that's why I am cursed with such horrible luck.