No shitty friends in 2019!

It’s my last chance to be a bitch in 2018 in hopes of starting 2019 with a clean slate-

You can be the biggest, Christmas tree in the land, and there are still Jewish people who don’t want you.

My favorite past time includes watching Intervention to make myself feel better about my life.

My work/life balance is -100.

Home to an endless array of gas stations, zero stop lights, and ME!

I am jealous of myself... 

I used to think that the worst people in the world were teenage girls. 

I am here to show how much I can stuff in my fanny!

In California it's easier to buy a gun than get a fuckin straw. 

I am really concerned for today's youth.

People always ask: “Why are you single?”