The homeless people in LA live a better quality life than me.  They already look better than me... with their perfect tans, model skinny bodies, and their perfect sun-kissed highlighted hair.

...when your eBay Pokémon costume from China arrives November 1.  This pretty much sums up my life.

I say some crazy things... Luckily, my friends at @overheardla help me remember some of my infamous quotes. 

Just because Cady Heron wore army pants and flip-flops (Mean Girls) doesn't mean it's acceptable for you.

I want to express the importance of eye care.  I didn't care about eye care ...until now!  Let me explain.  I am very irresponsible when it comes to money.  I would much rather buy a new pair of shoes than get health insurance

I'll prefix by stating that I love my apartment.  It was actually a Craigslist find... which is the best thing I found on Craigslist...besides all the "Missed Connections" (of course). 

...and I'll leave you like it's funny.  I have no time for people who take my time for granted.  Trust booboo, I am a very busy boy...

I have a new favorite word.  Years of working with the pedestrian public, I get asked the most ridiculous questions.  I'd love to reply to all these crazy inquiries with a giant "Fuck You!" but I simply [slightly] roll my eyes and say "SHURE."

Having had many questionable spray tans in my day, the color orange has always been a sensitive subject for me. 

The only thing getting 'LIT' this weekend are my fall scented candles.

...My anxiety attack. 

I really think I would be the perfect contestant for Survivor.  I mean look what I did with just a wig and a cell phone.  I would win the million dollars for sure.